Perseverance
by Yahya Abdul Rahman - October 3, 2005
"Charting a hopeful course toward our dreams is the surest way to bring those dreams to pass" Kent Nerburn in "Small Graces: The Quiet Gifts of Everyday Life"
Well, today's the big day for me. I have been dreading this day for quite some time. Today my wife starts her new career path with an exciting cutting edge job and I am alone at home. I am proud of my dear wife and all of her accomplishments and I only wish her the best in life and success in all that she does. I have been through a lot in the past year and it has shaken me to the very foundation of my being. I have been forced to re-evaluate all of my priorities. I have also been forced to look deep within myself, into a realm that up until now only God knows about, and attempt the best way I know how to determine what is the cause of all the pain in my body. I am a strong believer in mind/body medicine which teaches that there is absolutely no separation between the mind and the body and that our emotions, especially those buried deep within our unconscious, have a direct impact on our physical health (see footnote below for references on this).
In the past year I have cried like a baby, wished for death and have been filled with utter despair. I have felt so alone and helpless as I have had to come to terms with what I am going through. After giving up on many doctors who said there is nothing wrong with me despite numerous tests, I have read many books and attended numerous psychotherapy sessions. I have also read many online accounts of people who are going through the same thing as I am. I have learned, amazingly enough, that I am my own doctor. The answer is in fact within me. People with M.D. behind their names do not heal, the real doctor is inside of me and I must heal myself. Most doctors, sadly enough, will not tell their patients this.
I have also learned that no matter how much my body cries out in pain, the pain is in fact acting as a distraction from what is really going on deep inside of me. I feel fear and loathing as I face another day as I have no idea how I will be and how I will face this day alone. But face it I must . I must ask God for help and then proceed to work towards my recovery in the best way I know how through a process of inner exploration. This is not easy as I have not been trained or conditioned to think this way.
I have learned that I possess an inner drive to succeed and that this inner drive is a response to an inner belief that I will never accomplish anything in life and that I will always be a failure. All that I do in life is a response to this inner feeling. I also have a profound low self-esteem and put myself down a lot. This is not something I can help. In order to bring about healing and a full recovery I must recognize this about myself and how the pain is merely serving a function of telling me that I cannot accomplish anything or will not amount to anything in life. The pain is also diverting my attention away from a lot of painful emotions buried deep within my unconscious- which for the most part I am unaware of. I must, to the best of my ability, get in touch with my inner-self and see the pain for what is - an unpleasant distraction. I must not be in denial over what I may find but embrace all that is me and come to a fuller understanding of what makes me tick on the inside.
In the past year I have in fact come to a greater self-awareness and I would not trade that for anything. I look forward to learning even more in the days and weeks ahead.
Yes, I will cry. Yes, I will get discouraged. And yes, I will feel helpless and alone. But I must persevere and have confidence that in time the answer will come. In an earlier essay called "The Provisions Within" I wrote that: "When you find yourself in a particular situation be aware of the fact that the provisions you need to face that situation are already within you. You will never be left empty-handed because, whether you realize it or not, you have already been provided for.When you come to this realization an inner peace will follow you in life, even in the face of pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow, satisfaction and disappointment and a host of other emotions arising in response to life's circumstances. With fear comes courage, with discouragement comes hope, with worry comes relief and with ignorance comes knowledge."
This is the path and the challenge that has been laid out before me. Everything inside me says that I will triumph and that I will come out of this a better person, and for that I am truly thankful.
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Footnote: See the cutting edge work of John E. Sarno MD in his two books "The mindbody prescription: healing the body, healing the pain," and "Healing back pain : the mind-body connection." See also the work of Candace Pert, PhD in "Molecules Of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine." I also highly recommend the work of Canadian doctor Gabor Mate, MD and his excellent book "When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection."